( it's not that john is ignorant of the effect that Beholding has on others. it's not as though he gathers what he wants from them and leaves their lives, putting whatever lasting negative impact it might have on them behind him. some of the ones who had shared their nightmares with him had been those he'd been close to, those he saw often enough to see the effect of lost sleep — and even the ones he had no reason to see again in person, he still saw them desperate and tormented in their shared dreams. begging, pleading, crying, screaming at him... but there's nothing he can do. at one point he had even thought his actions weren't his own when he was like this — that perhaps the invisible strings of the Web had found him once more, puppetting him through monstrous motions.
but he knows that isn't the case. it is him doing this, making these decisions, reveling in their satisfaction. he just doesn't know how much of him is actually him anymore — how much he actually recognizes and how much has been changed into something else.
john is beginning to realize something now, though perhaps he had started to realize it when he had Communed with set shortly after arriving in kenos. up until this point, statements have to him been limited to written or spoken word. there is much the Eye can dredge from these channels, but how much more can he gain about this fear if he has a direct connection to the mind who has felt it? to dimitri, john shares the Marks — these are the ways that the Fears have changed him irrevocably and personally. in return, a vague and murky picture begins to form in the passive channel of Communion between them, bolstered by the Eye as much as it can possibly facilitate. it's just as much an image of the past as it is a feeling of it.
john's hands clasp in front of him, fingers weaved together. )
...I'm sorry for your loss.
( he doesn't need to say that it's a dreadful thing to hear. he can feel it. the Archivist is less an archivist and more of the archive itself — each pain and fear he inscribes, he does so upon his own metaphysical substance. as dimitri feels the memories return, like water fast-rising in a cistern, threatening to drown... john feels much the same. )
Which is it that you think you fear more now — the tragedy that you suffered, or what it called you to do afterward?
no subject
but he knows that isn't the case. it is him doing this, making these decisions, reveling in their satisfaction. he just doesn't know how much of him is actually him anymore — how much he actually recognizes and how much has been changed into something else.
john is beginning to realize something now, though perhaps he had started to realize it when he had Communed with set shortly after arriving in kenos. up until this point, statements have to him been limited to written or spoken word. there is much the Eye can dredge from these channels, but how much more can he gain about this fear if he has a direct connection to the mind who has felt it? to dimitri, john shares the Marks — these are the ways that the Fears have changed him irrevocably and personally. in return, a vague and murky picture begins to form in the passive channel of Communion between them, bolstered by the Eye as much as it can possibly facilitate. it's just as much an image of the past as it is a feeling of it.
john's hands clasp in front of him, fingers weaved together. )
...I'm sorry for your loss.
( he doesn't need to say that it's a dreadful thing to hear. he can feel it. the Archivist is less an archivist and more of the archive itself — each pain and fear he inscribes, he does so upon his own metaphysical substance. as dimitri feels the memories return, like water fast-rising in a cistern, threatening to drown... john feels much the same. )
Which is it that you think you fear more now — the tragedy that you suffered, or what it called you to do afterward?